I'm not going to San Francisco. My relationship with Isaac is falling apart. I can't seem to make myself happy. I'm afraid I'm depressed and I maybe need to see a psychiatrist. But Isaac is trying so hard to make me happy. I have no idea how to get better, how to change the way I think and feel about certain things. Things I don't want to go into here. I thought I had overcome this but it came right back. I thought making the decision to stay here was the thing I needed to get my life back to how it should be but it didn't work. How do you change the way you think? I don't understand, I just don't know how to do it. I want to be happy so badly. I keep pushing Isaac away and these negative thoughts are ruining our relationship. He can only take so much of this and I know that yet I continue to push him away. I'm surprised he's even still here. This probably sounds crazy and out-of-the-blue to everyone. I tend to keep everything to myself and I never talk about bad things. I'm sure no one knows it. We're not going to last. I'm just so miserable.

Today sucked. I lost my iPhone at work, at the library. No one could find it. Then realized I probably threw it in the trash can when I threw away my Dr. Pepper. Drove all the way back to the library in bad traffic and 100 degree weather. Found out they had already thrown the trash. Went to the dumpster and Isaac took out a trash bag full of trash that had a Dr. Pepper can visible. Picked it up and we saw my iPhone towards the bottom. Can you believe that? I threw my iPhone in the trash!!! This is just a perfect example of how darn forgetful and scatter-brained I am! Seriously. It's ridiculous! Why would I do such a thing!? It was so hot and the dumpster was disgusting and I got a bad migraine. Hmpf. I'm so glad I found it though. Gosh, that would have been so horrible if I never realized. On a better note, look at my super adorable lovely new mouse-pad.

Saturday was our one-year anniversary so we took a little trip to the beach. South Padre Island is only an hour away. We had wanted to stay the night but all the hotels were booked! Plus, Isaac forgot to ask for Saturday off so we just left real early in the morning and stayed there a couple of hours. We didn't get into the water, just went with all our cameras to take pictures. It was dreadful hot and my hair was all crazy but it was so nice being by the water and just being with him.

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I decided to go to San Francisco. Thank you all so much for all the amazing amazing advice, truly. You guys are wonderful. Your advice really helped me put things in perspective and gave me a little hope that Isaac and I can survive it. Especially the ones that have been or are in a long distance relationship right now! I wish i could hug you all! I registered for classes already. And our flights are booked. We're leaving August 26th. I also decided to stay in a dorm for the first semester. My dad actually brought up living in an apartment. I thought he wouldn't like that idea but he actually prefers it so after the first semester I'm going to move into an apartment. It'll be easier to look for one while I'm already there.

On another note, summer is coming. And my birthday is in eleven days. I can't believe summer is almost here. Last summer was huge for me. I left a relationship that was suffocating me and I met a wonderful person that I feel is the boy I want to marry. And it was fun, too. I had a great time in San Francisco. Trips to Austin and Mexico. Lots of letters in the mail. This summer will be huge, too, because it'll be my last summer here before I'm off to San Francisco for school. I want to spend alot of time with Isaac and my family and do fun things with them. Make lots of memories to store in my mind so that I can pull them out when I'm feeling terribly lonely in San Francisco. I hope this summer is nice.

photo by hibisanpo

Fuck, I am so fucking confused! I always held on to the small hope that Isaac would give in and move to San Francisco with me after he graduated but that hope has been extinguished. I know he's not. We try to not talk about it and think about, we try to pretend like it's not going to happen but every once in awhile it'll get brought up. Like last night and we get into a huge depressing frustrating fight. We say horrible things to each other and blame each other and everything gets brought into the light. I blame him for our impending doom and he blames me because I won't stay and because I'm so intent on living in San Francisco. Living and going to school in San Francisco has been my dream since I was in the 10th grade. For a long time I had given up on it because I was too scared. Finally, a couple of months ago I got to the point to where I wasn't scared anymore. And I did it. I applied, got in, and am now going through the process of registering. But if I go, I will lose him. I've tried to be positive about a long distance relationship but I know that that is not going to work for me. Or for him. He's a naturally optimistic person and he thinks that although it will be difficult, it's possible. And I think it's impossible. We would be apart for three years. How can we possibly make it? When I talk to a couple of friends about it they always insist on me going. They tell me he'll realize how depressing life is without me and then he'll end up following me there. But I know that he won't because his father is very ill and he has ties here. Ties he doesn't, can't, break. So it leaves it up to me. Am I willing to give up that dream and go to an art school here in Texas?

The main reason I chose Academy of Art is because it's in San Francisco and I want to live there. I won't deny that it's because of the school. It is because of the city. And because I want to get out of Texas. I hate it here so much. I don't know why. For some reason, I think the art schools here are not the best and I don't know why I think that because I don't even know for sure. Maybe I'm just blinded because I want to get out of here so bad. I know that I'm being really stupid because it doesn't matter what school I go to. But if I stay, then I can be with him. And everything we want will happen.

I talked to my mom about it earlier but she's a parent and can't really give me helpful advice. Of course, she'd prefer if I went to Houston or Dallas because it's closer. She told me to consider all of the options. San Francisco is my dream. It would be very expensive and very hard but it's my dream. I'd be so far away from home. Going to school here would be easier and a little cheaper and I'd get to stay with Isaac. The more I look at The Art Institute of Dallas or The Art Institute of Houston the more I can see myself going there. A part of me doesn't want to be the typical girl to give up her dream for a boy and the other part of me is willing to stay for him. I can stay here and still go to an art school. Another problem is I don't know if it's too late to apply to the schools here. If it is, I'd have to wait till next spring or next fall if they don't allow in new students in the spring. I'm already 22 and feel like I've been out of school for too long. I don't really want to wait so long to get started again. But ultimately I guess it really doesn't matter what age I am when I graduate/

I don't know what to do. I have a feeling I already know what side I'm leaning to more but I want advice, insight! The awful part is I have to make this decision really soon because I have to accept Academy of Art's financial aid award letter in a week! I don't know if it's silly to seek advice online from people I have never meet but I've known most of you for so long and value your thoughts just as much as people I know in real life. So any thoughts or advice would be wonderful.

So, I mentioned reading that book, Haruki Murakami and the Music of Words, which I should add is super amazing and insightful and everything positive. Well, in it, Jay Rubin mentions a couple of authors that are inspired by Murakami or call him an influence on their work. David Mitchell and Steven Millhauser. It was strange because just a few days prior to reading about these authors I was at the book-store looking at Murakami's books pondering whether I should buy Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World and Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman because I lent them out and frustratingly they were not returned! On the shelf right next to his books were David Mitchell's books and number9dream caught my eye so I bought it. What a surprise to find his name in a book relating him to Murakami just a couple of days later! I just wanted to share their books with everyone because I know I am always looking for authors who remind me of Murakami. I have yet to read any of these books but I can't wait until I do! Has anyone read any of these?

David Mitchell

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February was filled with ups & downs. Having a lovely lovely spontaneous Valentine's Day with Isaac. Pretty sleeping clothes, twenty-four gorgeous tulips, and Godiva. Cute dangly jewelry. $1 books. Watching Let The Right One In in theatres. New sewing books. Most importantly, first sewing machine! Planning a trip to Lawrence, KS and Chicago with Isaac. Checking out lots of books from the library. Excitement for spring. Girl Scout cookies! Buying pretty bright colored scarves and flower printed flats, a gorgeous blue sweater, perfectly curled hair with cheap rollers from Avon that work better than anything I've ever tried. Ordering cute fabric from Japan. Pomegranate scented everything. But also, super stressful school decisions. Lots of stupid fights. Spending too much money on food and clothes. Isaac and I are trying to stop eating out so much and instead cook dinner at home. Then a scary day when Isaac got in a bad car crash. Thankfully he wasn't hurt. It's my worst nightmare. But that lead to $1000 to fix the car so we had to cancel the trip to Lawrence and Chicago. My parents also cancelled our trip to Chicago in June since I will be moving to San Francisco in August. They are just going to stay there with me for a few weeks to get settled in. I do wish that I updated this thing more often but, to be honest, I feel like I'm losing touch with everything that has to do with this journal. Sigh, it's a sad thing. Oh, I've also got a new email. From now on you can contact me at quietmornings@gmail.com.

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"Written in 1935 at the height of Czech Surrealism, this parable of menstruation is a bizarre erotic fantasy of a young girl's maturation into womanhood. Drawing on de Sade's Justine, and Nosferatu and the language of pulp serials, this a lyrical, menacing dream of sexual awakening involves a vampire with a taste for chicken blood, changelings, lecherous priests, with an androgynous merging of brother and sister. An exploration of the grotesque, a meditation on youth and age, sexuality and death."

So I finally managed to get a copy of this book through the library I work at and I finished it tonight. It's such a strange and curious book. It reads and flows very strangely. I don't know how else to describe it. I couldn't get into it right away but it grew and grew on me especially after reading "On Valerie, Nezval, Max Ernst, and Collages: Variations on a Theme" by Giuseppe Dierna which is included at the end of the book. I'm not familiar with Czech literature or Gothic and Surrealism literature for that matter so the essay really helped me better understand the background. This book totally got me into Surrealism literature so I ordered The Dedalus Book of Surrealism: The Identity of Things which Dierna cited in his essay. It has Surrealist works by authors across the world. I also checked out Twisted Spoon Press who published "Valerie and Her Week of Wonders". I really like the books from Central and Eastern European authors that they're putting out. And I also ordered A Lovely Tale of Photography by Péter Nádas. I'm excited for these to come in!

It amazes me that there are still so many authors from across the world that I have yet to read and that, in my lifetime, I will probably never read. And that really saddens me! This always happens when I read something out of the ordinary, something by obscure foreign authors. I think of how there is a whole realm of books and authors that are unknown to me, books in languages I will never get to read. I felt this way, too, when I read "The Curtain" by Milan Kundera because he mentioned alot of Czech and Hungarian authors that inspired his works. It's so disheartening!

Thank you to all who commented on my last post. It took quite a bit of me to not delete it. I'm not used to being so open on this thing but it was nice reading all the comments. Sometimes I get so utterly depressed about our situation but the fact of the matter is...I'm in love with this boy, truly, so no matter where I am I'm going to try to be strong and positive because I don't ever want to lose him. He's so much more optimistic than I am because that is the type of person he is...postive and happy and sure of what he wants and I am the complete opposite. But he makes me want to live like that and I know he always will have a profound effect on me. All we want is to just be happy and get married and start a family eventually. I should really stop being so angry and pessimistic. We're perfect together and we belong together, I know that!